Don’t worry, this isn’t a cry for help. I’ve been very transparent about my ongoing battle with depression but I think I’ve done a disservice to you by not sharing just how serious that battle has been.
So here goes…I have, on more than one occasion, in my 40+ years on this earth tried to commit suicide.
The details of those attempts is something that I will keep private but I believe just me sharing that this is a part of my story might help you or someone you love decide instead to live.
So although it’s an uncomfortable subject that I’m sure my family would prefer I didn’t publicly admit, I’m putting it down here in black and white on the internet where it will probably live forever because I want you to know that that was my past.
I want you to know that I am 100% confident that I will never attempt suicide again in my future. I still battle depression and have thoughts from time to time of “I can’t do this anymore,” but I will never take my own life.
It’s been a long journey getting to that level of confidence and I know the enemy will continue to challenge it, especially now that I’m sharing this with you. But here is the moment of clarity, the ah ha moment, that I remind myself of any time I start to question what the point of all the ups and downs of life are...
Living my life for a purpose other than my own happiness is what ultimately brought me the joy I had been searching for my whole life.
When I truly accepted and believed in my heart that the trials, pain and sorrow I experience have a purpose that is just as important as the fun, happy and exciting moments.....when I realized that there are other people who need me.....when I realized that even my small interactions with strangers on the street can have a huge impact in God’s plan.....and when I trusted that His plan is working for OUR GOOD (not just mine) even if I don’t see it all come together in my lifetime.....then I realized that my life matters too much to throw it away for my “light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” 2 Corinthians 4:17
You might not be able to see it right now, but I hope you’ll trust me and know that I’ve been where you are and am so grateful that I didn’t take my own life.
Don’t let the enemy win. You might need some help from friends, family, your community, your Pastor or even a therapist, but you can learn to take control of your thoughts and make them obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
You can be hard pressed on every side, and not be crushed; you can be completely confused, but resist despair; even when you feel attacked, you are not alone; when you’re down and depressed it may feel debilitating but you are not destroyed. (This is 2 Corinthians 4:8-9…the Jamila translation 😉)
If you’re feeling suicidal please call 1-800-273-8255 for help. This is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and they are available 24 hours a everyday. It’s free and confidential. They also offer support for you if your loved one is the one who is in distress. You can learn more here.
You matter. I love you. You are not alone. God loves you and He will help you find the same everlasting joy He’s given me. Cry out to Him, He will answer.
Here is a prayer that’s helped me get through some dark moments… A Prayer To Lift Depression
I pray it lifts your spirits so you too will fight to see tomorrow and the next day and every day after that.
about the author
Jamila is a speaker, writer and the founder of loved+blessed. On her personal mission to leave a legacy of encouragement, she blogs about her own life lessons with the hope that it will bring joy into others lives and help them find the courage to keep walking in faith knowing that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. Read her testimony of how God turned her misery into ministry.